Fresh Start Monday #020: How to overcome an all-or-nothing mindset

Last year, I had a goal of running a 100-mile ultramarathon. As the training intensified, some days required 2 - 3 hour runs. Time I didn't have on a random Tuesday. If I couldn't fit the run in, I wouldn't run. I considered it a failure if I didn't run.

I couldn't see the value in running for a shorter time period. The problem magnified when one day became two, and two days became a week.

All-or-nothing thinking is a cognitive distortion. Cognitive distortions are faulty thought patterns that are negatively biased. They’re assumptions based on minimal evidence and are often inaccurate.

All-or-nothing thinking, or black-or-white thinking, places experiences, people, and choices into good or bad, success or failure, or your internal language that may be stronger. It doesn't allow for shades of grey.

If you're prone to perfectionism or mental health struggles, all-or-nothing thinking is more common.

This cognitive distortion can disrupt attempts to change behavior. We are on our way toward our goals, but 80% isn't good enough.

My struggles with this mindset come from our educational system. (For others, it may be parental expectations) The system trains us to determine success by a letter grade at the end of the year. There are three problems with this:

1. School is a structured and linear environment.

2. It creates an artificial deadline that determines success or failure.

3. We learn to rely on others to tell us what success is.

It's up to us to redefine success and create an internal grading rubric.

Before diving into what that looks like, I have three examples where all-or-nothing thinking can be damaging.

1. A job interview. You've prepared for common interview questions and researched the company. You asked thoughtful questions. But you fumbled one question. If you view this experience through the lens of all-or-nothing thinking, you'd think that it went awful.

2. Sticking to a diet. You've stuck to a new diet for two straight weeks. You've lost weight. You feel good. But your mom comes for a visit with a pan of fresh baked brownies. You indulge. You suddenly believe your diet is a disaster. You claim you don't know the point and return to your old ways of eating.

3. Writing a book. You have a brilliant idea for a book with a goal of 1000 words a day. The first two weeks of writing flow naturally. But then a nasty hangover causes you to miss a day. The next day you have writer’s block before missing another day with illness. With your lack of progress, you give up altogether.

A trigger leads to being hard on yourself and a negative view of what you're capable of. A missed run, a poor answer, or a brownie can trigger feelings of shame and decrease self-esteem. Our bias towards negative thinking sees the evidence that is right there. We failed.

I never ran my 100-mile race because of this all-or-nothing mindset.

Bigger goals require persistence over the long-term. Black-or-white thinking removes opportunities to celebrate small successes and learn from mistakes. It sets you up to fail.

How do we redefine success?

Woody Allen once said, "80% of success is just showing up."

We can determine what showing up looks like in different areas of our life. Let's return to the examples above.

Ultrarunning: Showing up might mean going for a 20-minute run in between meetings.

Job interview: Showing up might mean preparing for at least one hour.

Diet: Showing up might mean one healthy meal a day.

Writing a book: Showing up might mean writing down an unconscious stream of 200 words.

Showing up shifts your focus away from outcomes.

Toward what you can control. Toward progress, not perfection.