Fresh Start Monday #87: A simple model for effective communication
As I continue working with Lyra, one of the most common things clients want to work on is their communication skills. Communicating well is hard to quantify. It's hard to judge how well you're doing it.
Yet, it has a massive impact on our friendships, success at work, and romantic partners.
The following is a brief overview of the communication model taught at Lyra, and is derived from Dialectical Behavior Therapy.
To be an effective communicator you need to understand yourself and your patterns as well as understanding of others and their patterns. You need to develop flexibility to adapt to whom you're speaking and clarity to what is most important in a given interaction.
The building blocks of effective communication are objective, relationship, and self-respect.
Objective: What tangible result do I want from this interaction?
Relationship: Who is this person I'm communicating with, and how do you want them to feel after this interaction?
Self-respect: How do I want to feel about myself after this interaction?
Sometimes we can satisfy all three aspects, but usually we need to prioritize one over the other.
Objective and relationship usually compete with each other. Are you trying to get something or are you tending to this relationship?
Over time, prioritizing the relationship over your objective threatens your self-respect.
However, if you only care about your objective, your relationships will suffer.
You need a mix of flexibility and discernment to stay in balance between all three aspects.
There’s much more to say about each component, but as you interact with others this week, ask yourself whether you’re asking for what you need, letting someone know that you truly understand what they’re trying to say, and if you’re upholding your own values in every interaction.
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Books
Currently reading:
Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples: Third Edition
Finished reading:
Training for the Uphill Athlete: A Manual for Mountain Runners and Ski Mountaineers
The 5AM Club: Own Your Morning. Elevate Your Life.
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