Fresh Start Monday #052: Our persistent inner critics

This past Friday night, I was really excited to go on another Thank Gravel It’s Friday bike ride. I went to an event a couple of weekends ago, and it's exactly my vibe. Doing hard stuff in nature, but no one's taking themselves too seriously. (We were all riding in jorts.)

Unfortunately, the forecast had other plans. With rain projected all evening, they canceled the ride and announced a happy hour instead.

As an introvert, going to an unstructured event where the main activity is talking remains one of the hardest things for me to do.

I go to events by myself all the time, and I'm an event organizer, but put the words "mixer", "networking", or "happy hour" after an event name, and I clam up.

I'd love to say I went, but I just couldn't get myself to go.

Reflecting over the weekend, I thought about how similar this situation is to many things we'd like to do but ultimately don't.

It's usually when our inner critic takes over.

In that specific case, I was hearing things like:

I suck at socializing.

I hate initiating conversations.

I'm so drained by small talk.

The most important thing to remember about your inner critics is that they started as a survival mechanism during your upbringing. To protect you from real and imagined threats. As a kid, I was super shy for many reasons, and my inner critic will always be loudest before these types of social situations.

But it's also important to remember that you no longer need the same protection as an adult. It no longer serves a purpose.

Here are three quick tips for managing the inner critic:

1. Find the 2% truth.

But know that 98% is based on lies.

In my example, it's true that this happy hour will be draining. Almost any social situation over four or five people usually is. But I don't suck at socializing. And I talk to plenty of strangers. I'll be just fine at a happy hour.

2. Recognize these thoughts are just thoughts.

Most of these thoughts have been with us long enough that they've become habits. When we are presented with a situation that's familiar, our habitual thinking takes over.

3. Create a new message.

Our inner critics usually have a specific tone of voice when they relay their message. And a specific phrase. Start to recognize what that is.

Once you do, craft a supportive new message to replace the old one. For some, this might be a daily affirmation.

My clients have had better success creating specific phrases based on the situation their inner critic shows up.

In my example, it's right before a social situation. For you, it could be when you sit down to write. Or before a work meeting. Or when you job search.

The resistance we feel before we do something is usually our inner critic speaking up. It’s not about fighting or eliminating them, but becoming more aware of when they show up and quieting them.

Local to Boulder, CO?

Join me this Wednesday (8/30) on Meetup to reflect on our inner critics with other like-minded people in their 20s and 30s.

Wine & Words on Wednesdays - 20s and 30s

Wednesday, August 30th at 6pm MT at Eben G. Fine Park