Fresh Start Monday #77: Dealing with overwhelm for people pleasers

In last week's newsletter, I wrote about how many of us lead lives filled to the brim. We are stressed and anxious and feel like our days always get away from us.


Today, I want to talk about one of the main culprits. People pleasing.

You start your day with an empty cup. As you go through your day, you'll have several sources of inbound requests for your time, energy, and attention.

If you never say no, people will continue to pour coffee into your cup. They never learn where the edge of your cup is because you never set boundaries.

You determine the size of your cup. The size might change daily.

I recently heard Brendon Burchard speak, and he had a line I liked, "a lot of your stresses come from your yes's."

Your stress is often self-inflicted.

The definition of a people pleaser is: A person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of their own needs and desires.

This usually comes in the form of saying "yes."

It's natural to want to make others happy, to be kind, and to support people around you. The niceness becomes people-pleasing when it comes at the expense of your own happiness and well-being.

The best antidote to overwhelm is the word "no." It's a simple word that can cause discomfort because you need to be liked, accepted, and validated by others.

Here are three ideas on how to get better at saying the word no.
 

1. START WITH A HALF-NO

 

Outright rejecting someone with a no can be difficult. One way to practice this skill is by offering half-no's.

For example, a friend invites you to a party Friday night. You've had a long week, and need an evening to yourself. You normally say yes to this request.

A half-no might look like, I'll be there. Just letting you know, I'll need to head out early at 10pm. (No need to apologize)

Or if the temptation to stay for the whole party will be too great, you might say yes, but share that you can only arrive at a later time.

You said yes, but you set a small boundary to your time and energy.

Another example, if someone asks you to grab dinner. Maybe you offer a coffee chat instead as they're usually shorter.

Practice the half-no's before you move on to a hard no.
 

2. GET OUT OF THE HABIT OF SAYING YES

 

I talk about habits a lot on this newsletter. Saying yes is a sneaky habit. Many of us do it unconsciously. It's an automatic response to a request.

What often happens is that we say yes only to realize later that we wanted to say no. You may feel resentment build when you keep saying yes to things you don't want to do.

You need to develop a new habit. Replace yes with a new phrase.

Some ideas:

  • Let me get back to you.

  • Let me check my calendar first.

  • Let me think about it.

Find whatever phrase feels right for you. The idea here is to buy yourself some time.

By doing so, you'll feel less pressure to say yes. You'll be better able to discern whether or not you truly want to say yes. The majority of requests are not urgent.

What's the new habit you're building?
 

3. KNOW YOUR GOALS


You might be saying, what does making goals have to do with people pleasing and saying no?

I find that people pleaser's are often the ones who hate making goals or creating a vision of their future because that means they're thinking about and prioritizing themselves.

Their comfort zone is prioritizing others.

When you have clear goals or a vision of the future, it's harder to say yes because you clearly see the pain of what you're saying no to.

A lesser talked about benefit of setting goals is that it makes setting boundaries easier. You know what you're protecting.

Let's combine this idea with number 2. Let someone know you'll get back to them. When you do, take a look at your goals and understand what you need to get done this week.

You'll have a better idea if you have time for it.

Remember: when you say yes to an incoming request, you're saying no to something else.

Local to Boulder, CO?

On Fenruary 29th, I’ll be hosting Pages to Progress a monthly workshop held on the last Thursday of every month that delivers key insights from bestselling non-fiction books and helps you apply them to your life.

For February, the book is The War of Art by Steven Pressfield.

You can register through Meetup. February 29th at 6:30 pm MT at NowHaus. $25

Join us Tuesday (2/27) on Meetup for a free biweekly journaling group! Location TBD

Thoughtful Tuesdays - Biweekly Journaling Group

Tuesday, February 27th at 6pm MT. Location TBD!

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