Fresh Start Monday #73: Reactive growth

Two weeks ago, I sat down at a bar for a drink. I wanted to scope out the venue for a future event. I started chatting with the bartender. Turned out he was the owner. Let’s call him Tom.

I mentioned that I do life coaching. As people tend to do, he told me all his problems.

Specifically, his wife filed for divorce last month.

They’ve been married for 10+ years and have two kids. From what I gathered, the relationship hasn’t felt joyful in a while. He said she’s open-minded about saving the marriage.

I believed him. He seemed to be in good spirits. He’s been listening to two different podcasts about how to be a better man. He even quoted lines from them. He’s joined a men’s group recently.

Unfortunately, his wife hasn’t engaged. She’s not showing up to couples therapy. She’s been unwilling to have conversations.

At some point, I turned the conversation towards the bar he owned. Tom’s been the owner for several years. Another pain point for him is that his business is only breaking even. It’s not profitable. He talked vaguely about getting better at marketing and having a presence on social media.

My advice to him:

Don't wait until you're bankrupt to grow your business.

When people wait until a life-altering event to start making changes, I call it reactive growth. Most people go to therapy, get coaching, or try to get help after a painful event has already happened.

Ultimately, their goal is to change the past in some way:

  • I want my partner back.

  • I want my health back.

  • I want my job back.

  • I want my business back.

However, the damage is usually already done. We can make some progress, but we can't rewrite the past.


"The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining." - John F. Kennedy


Why do humans wait?

Humans naturally don’t like change. Even though what you're experiencing might be painful, at least you know what to expect. From an evolutionary perspective, the unknown is dangerous. It's a survival mechanism.

Only when you experience something you perceive to be more painful than the pain you’re currently in, do you decide it’s safe to make a change.

You don't want to initiate the stress. The reason life-altering events spur you into action is because they raise your stress thresholds. The change you've avoided no longer seems that bad in comparison.

The mistake I always see is the assumption that no change means a flat trajectory. Unfortunately, there’s no such thing as neutral. We’re either moving in a positive or negative direction.

How do you become proactive?

When you're dealt with a big negative event, it's obvious that something needs to change.

Similar to when you're out swimming in the ocean. Then suddenly, there's a tsunami siren. You immediately spring into action.

However, have you had the experience of swimming in the ocean, not far from shore, until you realize you've drifted hundreds of feet away from where you've started?

You can learn to recognize this subtle shift. It's a skill of slowing down and observing. It's building small moments of awareness.

My best recommendation is meditation, but in my experience coaching clients, it's not accessible for most people. It’s hard to sit still.

Something I've been recommending more recently is journaling every day. Just one page, 5 - 10 minutes at most to start. Put down whatever comes to mind:

  • how quiet your partner was when they came home

  • the achy knee after your run

  • the work project you weren't a part of

And asking, I wonder what that's about? It's only when you consistently put down observations that you start to make connections. It's not a one-time event you're looking for. It's patterns over days, weeks, and months.

You're busy. I get it. But that busyness causes you to miss all the clues leading up to a life-altering event. You move too fast. You have too much to do. Until you get punched in the face.

Many people can often recall small events in retrospect and connect the dots then, but again, it is too late.

That's why coaching is valuable. You build a finer awareness of your thoughts, behaviors, and actions.

I wished Tom well. I don't know what will happen with his marriage, but I saw the opportunity before him. I hope he learned his lesson.

Don't wait for that life-altering event.

Slow down.

Observe.

Act.

Local to Boulder, CO?

New monthly event!

On January 25th, I’ll be hosting Pages to Progress, a monthly workshop held on the last Thursday of every month that delivers key insights from bestselling non-fiction books and helps you apply them to your life.

For January, the book is Atomic Habits by James Clear.

You can register through Meetup. January 25th at 6:30 pm MT at NowHaus. $25

Join us Tuesday (1/30) on Meetup for a free biweekly journaling group! This week will be at Tonic Alchemy Lounge. It's a cozy, intimate space with a wide variety of tea, kava, tonics, desserts, and cocktails available.

Thoughtful Tuesdays - Biweekly Journaling Group

Tuesday, January 30th at 6pm MT at Tonic Alchemy Lounge!

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